An Anniversary of Sorts

Today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today Mark's divorce from me was final. It was his decision alone to end our marriage. I never had a role in that decision and it came as a shock to me. To this day and probably until forever, I do not know the true reasons why. This was a situation where there were no winners only losers. I lost a husband, a love, a life I loved and wanted, my trust in people and my feelings of security. I also lost his immediate and extended family in so many ways. Although we still keep up on happenings in our lives, it is not the same.

There are no holiday gatherings. no physical contact. no hugs, no kisses and few if any phone calls. I still miss his Uncle Chuck hugging me and whispering in my ear, "You know, I love you". I miss seeing the little ones growing up and the older ones becoming adults and getting married. I miss being a part of their lives and I have to believe they feel the same.

That awful day one year ago still haunts me at times. I could hardly sleep or eat or even think. I was looking forward to ending the 100+ day nightmare and yet dreading it just the same. I was so afraid I would be forced to see him. Fortunately, I did not have to endure that additional pain. I amused myself with knowing that my attorney was much better than his. He was handsome, much better educated and experienced and wore expensive suits and came from a prestigious law firm. I followed his advice and went through the motions, often in a daze, and signed where I had to and wrote checks with large numbers on them.

I will let you figure out which was mine and which was his.
Since then I have had to deal with being labeled as a "divorcee". It has felt shameful at times and there is still the occasional feeling of being used and abandoned. I often wonder if I ever cross his mind and if he ever regrets what he has done. But over the past year with the love of my friends and family and a very good therapist, I have become stronger and accepting of this fate. I am still waiting for the true love of my life. I know he is looking for me.

To show my appreciation and to celebrate my survival of the past year I had a dinner party tonight for some close friends: Linda, Ruth, Daisy, Carol, Lisa, Alana and Sophie.

I made ricotta and spinach stuffed pasta shells with broccoli as a side veggie.
Alana, Ruth, Carol, Sophie and Lisa.

Daisy and Lisa brought some wine.
Carol had to leave early for a show at the Wharton Center, but she enjoyed dinner with us.
Linda made a spinach salad with a hot dressing. Sophie brought fresh dinner rolls. Alana made lettuce rolls.
It was all very yummy.
Ruth made a wonderful chocolate cake soaked in caramel for dessert. She calls it "Better Than Sex Cake". Linda lead a toast to me and my new and happier life.

P.S. Today was also National Talk Like A Pirate Day. "Argh!!"